(slimmed down version)
Here’s what went down, okay. I’m standing next to this guy, this entire thing starts off with a sneeze.
He sneezed. Debris. Movement.
So I turn to him and this is what I said. I looked at him and I went, huh God Bless You. Yeah. I said it like that. God Bless You. Which is God Bless You but it kinda sounds like, cover you’re fuckin’ mouth.
God Bless You. This is what the guy comes back with, okay. Here’s where it starts to get out of control. The guy looks at me and very condescending, he goes, huh… yeah… I’m an Atheist.
Yeah, what a jerk, right. I’m trying to be polite and I don’t know you’re an Atheist. And even if I did, what am I supposed to say when an Atheist sneezes? Uhhh… when you die nothing happens.
So now. Oh Man. Now I start getting into like a religious debate with this guy. And it is awful. Okay. He’s questioning my beliefs. He goes, well what about you? What did you grow up?
Well, I was raised Catholic.
As I’m telling him about my religious background, he is laughing at me. He is LAUGHING at me. He’s giggling. He’s like, you believe this? This is what… hahaha… ohh… ahh.
Now for his own entertainment he says to me. Let me ask you this. What do you believe happens to you after, um after you die? And I said, uhh… okay… well, hopefully I live a good life and my soul goes to heaven and when I get there all my ancestors will be waiting for me like it’s an airport. HEY! Whatsapp? Guess who’s dead sucker. Hahahaaa! Come here. Float over here. Check this out.
I’m telling him this. He’s laughing even more. He is so condescending. He’s so snarky with his fuckin’ attitude. Yeah, Snarky it’s a word. Google that shit. It exsists. I’m not kidding. Snarky, great word. Google magic my friends.
So he’s laughing at my beliefs. And finally I just snap. What about you? Okay! What about you? Alright! What happens to you? You’re an Atheist. What does that mean? What happens to you after you die?
Now he gets very serious, like he’s about to school me. Okay. Oh I can tell you young man. I can tell you. I KNOW what’s going to happen to me after I die. After I pass on, my body will become one with this Earth. From there, I will become a fertilizer for this planet. And with that I will return as a huge, beautiful tree. That’s what this guy believes. He’s laughing at me… he’s going to come back as a fuckin’ ficus. Yeah… Johnny weeping willow over here.
I wanted to slam this guy so bad for this, right. But then I stopped. I stopped you guys, please hear me out. I let it sink in and I want you to as well.
I hope when he dies he does become a tree. I hope he’s in the middle of the wilderness and he’s doing his tree thing. Whatever it is trees do. I know they do a lot of work with breezes. And wouldn’t it be fantastic if while he was out there just enjoying his treeness. Through the woods a huge, sweaty guy with an axe comes along. Sees him. Chops him down. Smash! Put a chain around him. Drag him through the mud and the muck. Throw him into a sawmill. Grind him up. Then you pound him down into paper. And once he’s paper. You print the Bible on him.